Well, for those of you dying from suspense, I did not lose or gain any weight this summer. The wedding came and passed and I did not die. Well, I almost died. But here I am, a new school year and the threat of another wedding looming on the horizon and I am still where I was when I started (for the most part- a moderate weight loss, but it might as well be nothing at all).
So I started with spinning this morning. I figured it wouldn't be too bad, and that Grim would go easy on me because, I mean, really, I am pretty fat. So he should either ignore me or take pity on me- those are the fat rules. People either pretend you don't exist or treat you like a sick puppy. But there is one more rule- the rule of HATE. Some (okay, the majority) HATE fat people and treat the like the fat is catching and the fat person should be burned alive in front of a cheering crowd in a football stadium before the big game.
Grim hates me. HATES. I put my bike in the back, in the dark but it is directly across the room from him. Every time he looks up, he sees me. And he seethes. He looked up and yelled, "Faster"...then he looked up and said "COME ON!!!"...and then he said "HHHAAARRRDDEEERRR!!!"...and this was my experience in spinning this morning. Every though my bike is 15 feet away from Grim, I was covered in his spit by the end of class. My ears were ringing from his screaming. My legs don't work. I've had to ask the director at school for the extra wheel chair and I have to give the students a dollar to roll me from class to class.
Also, one reason I love to go to the gym, and keeps me going, is my elaborate fantasy that every man in class has a secret crush on me. I mean, hey, I might not be the most svelte woman in the room (and I'm not even close- all the perfectville soccer moms are hot!hot!hot!) but I am young and funny and I have contact lenses now, so I am totally cuter then I used to be. Anyway, my favorite guy was on a bike next to me this morning. I worked my ass off just so that anytime he looked in the mirror to check his form and "accidentally" checked me out at the same time, I would look like a professional biker (which, no matter how hard I work, I never will). After the biking, we have a little stretching time. I purposely had my back to him, so when I stretched my glutes, he would have a great view. Not to brag, but in my little spandex pants (I won't even tell you how time consuming it is to get those things on) my butt looks pretty awesome. So as I was bending over, I snuck a peek at my guy and he was totally checking out my little toosh. He eyes were wide and he emitted a little startled cough. I knew it was from the shock at seeing such a cute behind and smiled to my self. Score! So after we had put our bikes away, and I had slowly made my way to the locker room (I was hoping that he would ask for my number, but he is probably waiting until it is closer to the weekend), I checked myself out in the locker room mirror. My eyes went wide and I emitted a startled cough. I had ... butt sweat. BUTT SWEAT. Yep, that's right, in my grey stretch pants, was a giant butt sweat mark. It even made its way to the front. I looked like I peed my pants. It was shaped like China and totally dark. There is no way, NO WAY that he could have missed it. Or that anyone else in class missed it, as I chatted with everyone about their weekends. So the lesson here is: he probably will never be asking me for my number, unless he likes sweaty women who look like Russian beet farmers, and I will never, ever wear grey stretch pants to spinning again. EVER.
Monday: Spinning 45 minutes
Food:
Frosted Mini Wheat (low fat and high in fiber- yay!)
Water
Carrots and Hummus
Chili
Apple with natural PB
Pizza with grandma
Monday, September 13, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
April 26th- Summer Dreams
I think we did something to make Grim very, very angry. Remember Grim, my spinning instructor? The one who must-have-at-sometime-been-in-the-army-and-now-confuses-soccer-moms-with-soldiers? I usually take a bike in the back, and this morning was no exception. I like the back of the workout room- it's dark, there's a fan, it's away from the mirrors, and most important- no one can see the tiny hole in the butt of my new workout pants showing my flowered Hanes! Anyway, I'm in the back, and I'm thinking to myself throughout the entire class..."His spit projectile is amazing". I mean, I had to wipe off my glasses at least twice!
Not that I'm complaining. I like being yelled at...it makes me feel like I'm doing something right. The tension on my bike was so tight that the tighter-thingy (technical, I know) wouldn't turn any further. It was like biking in mud. Glorious.
The swear was pouring. The lady next to me was crying. Grandpa fell off his bike sometime in the first five minutes, but we left him on the floor until class was over. By 6:15 he wasn't the only one kissing the wood.
I looked Grim in the eye as I was walking out after class...he bared his teeth. I think he likes me.
Exercise: 45 minutes spinning
Food:
Fruit and Veggies
Maybe a crust of bread
I'm on the prison diet
Not that I'm complaining. I like being yelled at...it makes me feel like I'm doing something right. The tension on my bike was so tight that the tighter-thingy (technical, I know) wouldn't turn any further. It was like biking in mud. Glorious.
The swear was pouring. The lady next to me was crying. Grandpa fell off his bike sometime in the first five minutes, but we left him on the floor until class was over. By 6:15 he wasn't the only one kissing the wood.
I looked Grim in the eye as I was walking out after class...he bared his teeth. I think he likes me.
Exercise: 45 minutes spinning
Food:
Fruit and Veggies
Maybe a crust of bread
I'm on the prison diet
Monday, April 5, 2010
April 5th- Women, Food and God
Last week was Spring Break, and for me, a complete break from reality. You know when you go on vacation and you periodically think about all the wonderful ways that you're going to change your life when you get back to the real world...well, that was me last week, especially concerning my diet. Here are some random thoughts that passed though my head during break...
1. I am not going to eat anymore carbs until Meghan's wedding, which, the horror, is in approximately 129 days.
2. I am not going to diet anymore, I love myself too much for that.
3. I am going to only eat cereal until Meghan's wedding, which, the horror, is in approximately 129 days.
4. I will eat sensibly until Meghan's wedding.
5. I will work out for at least two hours a day until Meghan's wedding.
6. I will do the raw foods diet until Meghan's wedding.
7. I am beautiful the way I am.
8. I need to change the way I am.
9. I am so much better than the stupid people who make me feel bad about my weight and appearance.
10. Why is my coping mechanism food? Can I switch that to drugs or alcohol?
11. Speaking of drugs, I heard meth is a fast way to lose some extra baggage. Hmm...
This is a little insight into my head. These thoughts flow through, all of them, all day long. I fluctuate from one extreme to another. And, not to promote Oprah or her magazine, I did read "Women, Food and God" this week and it changed my life...a little. I have to re-read it. But basically, it opened my eyes to my real issues instead of what I thought my issues were. Like, the past is in the past and can't hurt you anymore. And, you don't need to fix yourself- you're whole. Etc., etc., etc. I'm not really into the whole touchy-feely-lets-all-love-each-other-group-hug-stuff, but this book was really good, and I would recommend it to everyone.
Workout: Spinning 45 minutes
Food:
Cereal and milk
coffee with hazelnut creamer
2 clementines
1 banana
lettuce chicken wraps
1 fiber one bar
1. I am not going to eat anymore carbs until Meghan's wedding, which, the horror, is in approximately 129 days.
2. I am not going to diet anymore, I love myself too much for that.
3. I am going to only eat cereal until Meghan's wedding, which, the horror, is in approximately 129 days.
4. I will eat sensibly until Meghan's wedding.
5. I will work out for at least two hours a day until Meghan's wedding.
6. I will do the raw foods diet until Meghan's wedding.
7. I am beautiful the way I am.
8. I need to change the way I am.
9. I am so much better than the stupid people who make me feel bad about my weight and appearance.
10. Why is my coping mechanism food? Can I switch that to drugs or alcohol?
11. Speaking of drugs, I heard meth is a fast way to lose some extra baggage. Hmm...
This is a little insight into my head. These thoughts flow through, all of them, all day long. I fluctuate from one extreme to another. And, not to promote Oprah or her magazine, I did read "Women, Food and God" this week and it changed my life...a little. I have to re-read it. But basically, it opened my eyes to my real issues instead of what I thought my issues were. Like, the past is in the past and can't hurt you anymore. And, you don't need to fix yourself- you're whole. Etc., etc., etc. I'm not really into the whole touchy-feely-lets-all-love-each-other-group-hug-stuff, but this book was really good, and I would recommend it to everyone.
Workout: Spinning 45 minutes
Food:
Cereal and milk
coffee with hazelnut creamer
2 clementines
1 banana
lettuce chicken wraps
1 fiber one bar
Monday, March 22, 2010
March 22- Their Eyes Were Watching God
So, I've hit a plateau. The scale is now my enemy in every way. At night, laying in bed, I fantasize about ordering an air strike on all scales within a 100 mile radius. I imagine the scales as the Viet Cong, and myself as Forrest Gump, shooting scales left and right. The only problem is that I end up getting shot in the bum, laying up in the hospital, and eating ice cream. We all know what happens when I eat ice cream.
That, or ban all pictures of me that have anything but my foot or finger in them.
I add fitness classes- the scale stays the same. I eat less- the scale stays the same. I eat more- the scale stays the same. I don't eat- the scale stays the same. I sit on the couch the day- the scale stays the same. I'm naked- the scale stays the same. I'm wearing a winter jacket- the scale stays the same. I weigh myself with Mufasa- the scale stays the same. I go to a sweat lodge for a week long vacation and almost die- the scale stays the same.
I'm at the point where I am standing and shaking my fists at heaven and say, "WWWWHHHHYYYY????"
But this is the way it is. I can only keep doing what I'm doing, working hard and eating right, and hope that one day I'll get on the scale and have lost eighty pounds.
Workout: Spinning for 45 minutes
Food:
Coffee and ff creamer
Breakfast sandwich (low fat and vegetarian)
Banana and Water
Turkey sandwich with cheese, tortilla chips with salsa, orange
Fiber one bar
Chipolte (grandma's choice- I get it healthy with no cheese or sour cream)
That, or ban all pictures of me that have anything but my foot or finger in them.
I add fitness classes- the scale stays the same. I eat less- the scale stays the same. I eat more- the scale stays the same. I don't eat- the scale stays the same. I sit on the couch the day- the scale stays the same. I'm naked- the scale stays the same. I'm wearing a winter jacket- the scale stays the same. I weigh myself with Mufasa- the scale stays the same. I go to a sweat lodge for a week long vacation and almost die- the scale stays the same.
I'm at the point where I am standing and shaking my fists at heaven and say, "WWWWHHHHYYYY????"
But this is the way it is. I can only keep doing what I'm doing, working hard and eating right, and hope that one day I'll get on the scale and have lost eighty pounds.
Workout: Spinning for 45 minutes
Food:
Coffee and ff creamer
Breakfast sandwich (low fat and vegetarian)
Banana and Water
Turkey sandwich with cheese, tortilla chips with salsa, orange
Fiber one bar
Chipolte (grandma's choice- I get it healthy with no cheese or sour cream)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
March 17- Happy St. Patty's Day!
In honor of St. Patty's Day, I would like to write an Ode to Potatoes- one of my favorite foods.
Oh, Potato
How do I love thee
Let me count the ways:
Mashed, tatored, mixed with cheese...
why do you have to be such a tease?
Baked and topped with sour cream-
add some chives, what a dream
Deep fried in a vat, dipped in ketchup
Lovin' that.
Dear and shy potato new
thank you for always being true.
I don't know if my Irish ancestors would agree with my poem, I'm pretty sure that eating potatoes everyday might make you hate them. Personally, my favorite potato is baked, topped with tater topping and sitting next to a grilled steak. Yum. Okay, I need to stop talking about food before I eat one of my students while daydreaming about a french silk blizzard or donuts...dooonnnuuutt (Homer Simpson and I have loads in common, like our love for beer, donuts, and drooling, as well as our ability to say completely inappropriate things at the right times)...Speaking of food, total pounds lost is 30. Yay for me.
Workout: Spinning
Food:
Low-fat breakfast sandwich and banana
Water
Turkey sandwich and two clementines
Diet coke
Veggie and black bean burrito, and skim milk
Oh, Potato
How do I love thee
Let me count the ways:
Mashed, tatored, mixed with cheese...
why do you have to be such a tease?
Baked and topped with sour cream-
add some chives, what a dream
Deep fried in a vat, dipped in ketchup
Lovin' that.
Dear and shy potato new
thank you for always being true.
I don't know if my Irish ancestors would agree with my poem, I'm pretty sure that eating potatoes everyday might make you hate them. Personally, my favorite potato is baked, topped with tater topping and sitting next to a grilled steak. Yum. Okay, I need to stop talking about food before I eat one of my students while daydreaming about a french silk blizzard or donuts...dooonnnuuutt (Homer Simpson and I have loads in common, like our love for beer, donuts, and drooling, as well as our ability to say completely inappropriate things at the right times)...Speaking of food, total pounds lost is 30. Yay for me.
Workout: Spinning
Food:
Low-fat breakfast sandwich and banana
Water
Turkey sandwich and two clementines
Diet coke
Veggie and black bean burrito, and skim milk
Monday, March 15, 2010
March 15- Leah's B-Day
Shout out to one of the coolest sisters around- love you Leah, and I can't wait to do P90X with ya...
Moving on, today as my underwear was slowing creeping up my ass in Spinning, it occured to me there are three types of fitness instructors:
#1- The "Aerobicizer"- This particular breed of trainer enjoys Reebok's, legwarmers, big hair and Journey. Her best friend is Denise Austin. She still thinks that neon tights are fashionable, frequently says "No pain, No gain" and has posters of Arnold (from the terminator) on her walls. She has been on the Grapefruit diet since 1986 but is still slightly pudgy from all those apple martinis.
#2- "The Sargent" - This particular breed of trainer barks commands at the top of his lungs, gets into your personal space, spits on your face and will not break eye contact with you- you have to lower your eyes first. Ex-military and proud of it. He will not let anyone into the studio after class has started, does not tolerate any weakness. If he could, he would pee a circle around the room to mark his territory. Do not cross him, say hi, smile or offer him a powerbar. Powerbars are for pussies.
#3- "The Teenager"- This particular breed of trainer is not, in fact, a teenager- she just thinks she is. She will wear clothing that is too revealing, gossip about her boyfriend, toss her hair and try to make you go out dancing with her. If your in her class for any length of time, she will start to talk about her upcoming trip to Cancun, where she travels twice a year. She will mention, repeatedly, that Juan always saves her a seat at the swim-up bar. Yay.
Can you guess which is my favorite? Happy Monday everybody.
Workout: Spin for 45 minutes, PX90 for 1 hour
Eat:
High Fiber Go Lean Cereal and skim milk
1 apple
1 pear
Lean Cuisine
Moving on, today as my underwear was slowing creeping up my ass in Spinning, it occured to me there are three types of fitness instructors:
#1- The "Aerobicizer"- This particular breed of trainer enjoys Reebok's, legwarmers, big hair and Journey. Her best friend is Denise Austin. She still thinks that neon tights are fashionable, frequently says "No pain, No gain" and has posters of Arnold (from the terminator) on her walls. She has been on the Grapefruit diet since 1986 but is still slightly pudgy from all those apple martinis.
#2- "The Sargent" - This particular breed of trainer barks commands at the top of his lungs, gets into your personal space, spits on your face and will not break eye contact with you- you have to lower your eyes first. Ex-military and proud of it. He will not let anyone into the studio after class has started, does not tolerate any weakness. If he could, he would pee a circle around the room to mark his territory. Do not cross him, say hi, smile or offer him a powerbar. Powerbars are for pussies.
#3- "The Teenager"- This particular breed of trainer is not, in fact, a teenager- she just thinks she is. She will wear clothing that is too revealing, gossip about her boyfriend, toss her hair and try to make you go out dancing with her. If your in her class for any length of time, she will start to talk about her upcoming trip to Cancun, where she travels twice a year. She will mention, repeatedly, that Juan always saves her a seat at the swim-up bar. Yay.
Can you guess which is my favorite? Happy Monday everybody.
Workout: Spin for 45 minutes, PX90 for 1 hour
Eat:
High Fiber Go Lean Cereal and skim milk
1 apple
1 pear
Lean Cuisine
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
March 9th- The Crucible
Well, here we are again. Two weeks ago I fell on the ice outside my front door letting my dog out (almost in a pee puddle-God was laughing at me) and twisted my back, hitting my head on the side-walk and knocking myself out. The neighbors found me four hours later, still unconscious, and immediately called the po-pos (police, for those of you that don't live in da'hood). I broke five vertebrae in my back, and my never walk again. Also, during a brain scan, the doctors found an inoperable tumor that will kill me in three blessed months. When I heard this news I was flooded with grateful relief. I could eat Hagan-Das and cheese again...I could sleep past four in the morning...I could don my green-terry-cloth-stretch-if-I-ever-left-the-house-in-these-I-would-be-shot-by-the-zoo-but-now-I'm-dying-so-people-will-pity-me-pants...I could die fat and happy...
Okay, this is a detailed and much-replayed fantasy. I did fall and twist my back. I have been in excruciating pain, barely able to sit down and stand up. Going to the bathroom took loads of extra time. I had to contact my "contact" and get some prescription meds without the prescription (thank God, and I sincerely mean this, for Mexico). I would rather have (almost) any other injury than a back injury.
What better excuse to not work out?
Today was my first day back to the gym. All the ladies welcomed my back with open arms, happy to see me and listen, repeatedly, to me complain about back injuries, ice, having a house without gutters, dogs and how stupid the Academy Awards continues to be. But alas, it wasn't all it could be. Waiting in the shadows of the gym...wait for it, wait for it...was one of my grade school teachers. A woman who remembers me as a child...Who didn't recognize me until after class, and then, because I am cursed, came to talk to me. She was wearing that face, you know the one-it starts with "Oh My God..." and ends with "...there is something SOOOO wrong with you, do you need the number of my therapist". Okay, it wasn't that bad. But I did have to tell her that I am allergic to every vitamin and mineral in existence and can only eat White Castle. Her look of horror was indescribable...
Workout: BodyPump 60 mins, Walking the dogs 45 mins
Food:
High fiber cereal, banana and skim milk
Stir fry with ww noodles and veggies, orange and water
Apple and almonds, DC
High fiber cereal, banana and skim milk
Okay, this is a detailed and much-replayed fantasy. I did fall and twist my back. I have been in excruciating pain, barely able to sit down and stand up. Going to the bathroom took loads of extra time. I had to contact my "contact" and get some prescription meds without the prescription (thank God, and I sincerely mean this, for Mexico). I would rather have (almost) any other injury than a back injury.
What better excuse to not work out?
Today was my first day back to the gym. All the ladies welcomed my back with open arms, happy to see me and listen, repeatedly, to me complain about back injuries, ice, having a house without gutters, dogs and how stupid the Academy Awards continues to be. But alas, it wasn't all it could be. Waiting in the shadows of the gym...wait for it, wait for it...was one of my grade school teachers. A woman who remembers me as a child...Who didn't recognize me until after class, and then, because I am cursed, came to talk to me. She was wearing that face, you know the one-it starts with "Oh My God..." and ends with "...there is something SOOOO wrong with you, do you need the number of my therapist". Okay, it wasn't that bad. But I did have to tell her that I am allergic to every vitamin and mineral in existence and can only eat White Castle. Her look of horror was indescribable...
Workout: BodyPump 60 mins, Walking the dogs 45 mins
Food:
High fiber cereal, banana and skim milk
Stir fry with ww noodles and veggies, orange and water
Apple and almonds, DC
High fiber cereal, banana and skim milk
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