So, I've hit a plateau. The scale is now my enemy in every way. At night, laying in bed, I fantasize about ordering an air strike on all scales within a 100 mile radius. I imagine the scales as the Viet Cong, and myself as Forrest Gump, shooting scales left and right. The only problem is that I end up getting shot in the bum, laying up in the hospital, and eating ice cream. We all know what happens when I eat ice cream.
That, or ban all pictures of me that have anything but my foot or finger in them.
I add fitness classes- the scale stays the same. I eat less- the scale stays the same. I eat more- the scale stays the same. I don't eat- the scale stays the same. I sit on the couch the day- the scale stays the same. I'm naked- the scale stays the same. I'm wearing a winter jacket- the scale stays the same. I weigh myself with Mufasa- the scale stays the same. I go to a sweat lodge for a week long vacation and almost die- the scale stays the same.
I'm at the point where I am standing and shaking my fists at heaven and say, "WWWWHHHHYYYY????"
But this is the way it is. I can only keep doing what I'm doing, working hard and eating right, and hope that one day I'll get on the scale and have lost eighty pounds.
Workout: Spinning for 45 minutes
Food:
Coffee and ff creamer
Breakfast sandwich (low fat and vegetarian)
Banana and Water
Turkey sandwich with cheese, tortilla chips with salsa, orange
Fiber one bar
Chipolte (grandma's choice- I get it healthy with no cheese or sour cream)
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
March 17- Happy St. Patty's Day!
In honor of St. Patty's Day, I would like to write an Ode to Potatoes- one of my favorite foods.
Oh, Potato
How do I love thee
Let me count the ways:
Mashed, tatored, mixed with cheese...
why do you have to be such a tease?
Baked and topped with sour cream-
add some chives, what a dream
Deep fried in a vat, dipped in ketchup
Lovin' that.
Dear and shy potato new
thank you for always being true.
I don't know if my Irish ancestors would agree with my poem, I'm pretty sure that eating potatoes everyday might make you hate them. Personally, my favorite potato is baked, topped with tater topping and sitting next to a grilled steak. Yum. Okay, I need to stop talking about food before I eat one of my students while daydreaming about a french silk blizzard or donuts...dooonnnuuutt (Homer Simpson and I have loads in common, like our love for beer, donuts, and drooling, as well as our ability to say completely inappropriate things at the right times)...Speaking of food, total pounds lost is 30. Yay for me.
Workout: Spinning
Food:
Low-fat breakfast sandwich and banana
Water
Turkey sandwich and two clementines
Diet coke
Veggie and black bean burrito, and skim milk
Oh, Potato
How do I love thee
Let me count the ways:
Mashed, tatored, mixed with cheese...
why do you have to be such a tease?
Baked and topped with sour cream-
add some chives, what a dream
Deep fried in a vat, dipped in ketchup
Lovin' that.
Dear and shy potato new
thank you for always being true.
I don't know if my Irish ancestors would agree with my poem, I'm pretty sure that eating potatoes everyday might make you hate them. Personally, my favorite potato is baked, topped with tater topping and sitting next to a grilled steak. Yum. Okay, I need to stop talking about food before I eat one of my students while daydreaming about a french silk blizzard or donuts...dooonnnuuutt (Homer Simpson and I have loads in common, like our love for beer, donuts, and drooling, as well as our ability to say completely inappropriate things at the right times)...Speaking of food, total pounds lost is 30. Yay for me.
Workout: Spinning
Food:
Low-fat breakfast sandwich and banana
Water
Turkey sandwich and two clementines
Diet coke
Veggie and black bean burrito, and skim milk
Monday, March 15, 2010
March 15- Leah's B-Day
Shout out to one of the coolest sisters around- love you Leah, and I can't wait to do P90X with ya...
Moving on, today as my underwear was slowing creeping up my ass in Spinning, it occured to me there are three types of fitness instructors:
#1- The "Aerobicizer"- This particular breed of trainer enjoys Reebok's, legwarmers, big hair and Journey. Her best friend is Denise Austin. She still thinks that neon tights are fashionable, frequently says "No pain, No gain" and has posters of Arnold (from the terminator) on her walls. She has been on the Grapefruit diet since 1986 but is still slightly pudgy from all those apple martinis.
#2- "The Sargent" - This particular breed of trainer barks commands at the top of his lungs, gets into your personal space, spits on your face and will not break eye contact with you- you have to lower your eyes first. Ex-military and proud of it. He will not let anyone into the studio after class has started, does not tolerate any weakness. If he could, he would pee a circle around the room to mark his territory. Do not cross him, say hi, smile or offer him a powerbar. Powerbars are for pussies.
#3- "The Teenager"- This particular breed of trainer is not, in fact, a teenager- she just thinks she is. She will wear clothing that is too revealing, gossip about her boyfriend, toss her hair and try to make you go out dancing with her. If your in her class for any length of time, she will start to talk about her upcoming trip to Cancun, where she travels twice a year. She will mention, repeatedly, that Juan always saves her a seat at the swim-up bar. Yay.
Can you guess which is my favorite? Happy Monday everybody.
Workout: Spin for 45 minutes, PX90 for 1 hour
Eat:
High Fiber Go Lean Cereal and skim milk
1 apple
1 pear
Lean Cuisine
Moving on, today as my underwear was slowing creeping up my ass in Spinning, it occured to me there are three types of fitness instructors:
#1- The "Aerobicizer"- This particular breed of trainer enjoys Reebok's, legwarmers, big hair and Journey. Her best friend is Denise Austin. She still thinks that neon tights are fashionable, frequently says "No pain, No gain" and has posters of Arnold (from the terminator) on her walls. She has been on the Grapefruit diet since 1986 but is still slightly pudgy from all those apple martinis.
#2- "The Sargent" - This particular breed of trainer barks commands at the top of his lungs, gets into your personal space, spits on your face and will not break eye contact with you- you have to lower your eyes first. Ex-military and proud of it. He will not let anyone into the studio after class has started, does not tolerate any weakness. If he could, he would pee a circle around the room to mark his territory. Do not cross him, say hi, smile or offer him a powerbar. Powerbars are for pussies.
#3- "The Teenager"- This particular breed of trainer is not, in fact, a teenager- she just thinks she is. She will wear clothing that is too revealing, gossip about her boyfriend, toss her hair and try to make you go out dancing with her. If your in her class for any length of time, she will start to talk about her upcoming trip to Cancun, where she travels twice a year. She will mention, repeatedly, that Juan always saves her a seat at the swim-up bar. Yay.
Can you guess which is my favorite? Happy Monday everybody.
Workout: Spin for 45 minutes, PX90 for 1 hour
Eat:
High Fiber Go Lean Cereal and skim milk
1 apple
1 pear
Lean Cuisine
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
March 9th- The Crucible
Well, here we are again. Two weeks ago I fell on the ice outside my front door letting my dog out (almost in a pee puddle-God was laughing at me) and twisted my back, hitting my head on the side-walk and knocking myself out. The neighbors found me four hours later, still unconscious, and immediately called the po-pos (police, for those of you that don't live in da'hood). I broke five vertebrae in my back, and my never walk again. Also, during a brain scan, the doctors found an inoperable tumor that will kill me in three blessed months. When I heard this news I was flooded with grateful relief. I could eat Hagan-Das and cheese again...I could sleep past four in the morning...I could don my green-terry-cloth-stretch-if-I-ever-left-the-house-in-these-I-would-be-shot-by-the-zoo-but-now-I'm-dying-so-people-will-pity-me-pants...I could die fat and happy...
Okay, this is a detailed and much-replayed fantasy. I did fall and twist my back. I have been in excruciating pain, barely able to sit down and stand up. Going to the bathroom took loads of extra time. I had to contact my "contact" and get some prescription meds without the prescription (thank God, and I sincerely mean this, for Mexico). I would rather have (almost) any other injury than a back injury.
What better excuse to not work out?
Today was my first day back to the gym. All the ladies welcomed my back with open arms, happy to see me and listen, repeatedly, to me complain about back injuries, ice, having a house without gutters, dogs and how stupid the Academy Awards continues to be. But alas, it wasn't all it could be. Waiting in the shadows of the gym...wait for it, wait for it...was one of my grade school teachers. A woman who remembers me as a child...Who didn't recognize me until after class, and then, because I am cursed, came to talk to me. She was wearing that face, you know the one-it starts with "Oh My God..." and ends with "...there is something SOOOO wrong with you, do you need the number of my therapist". Okay, it wasn't that bad. But I did have to tell her that I am allergic to every vitamin and mineral in existence and can only eat White Castle. Her look of horror was indescribable...
Workout: BodyPump 60 mins, Walking the dogs 45 mins
Food:
High fiber cereal, banana and skim milk
Stir fry with ww noodles and veggies, orange and water
Apple and almonds, DC
High fiber cereal, banana and skim milk
Okay, this is a detailed and much-replayed fantasy. I did fall and twist my back. I have been in excruciating pain, barely able to sit down and stand up. Going to the bathroom took loads of extra time. I had to contact my "contact" and get some prescription meds without the prescription (thank God, and I sincerely mean this, for Mexico). I would rather have (almost) any other injury than a back injury.
What better excuse to not work out?
Today was my first day back to the gym. All the ladies welcomed my back with open arms, happy to see me and listen, repeatedly, to me complain about back injuries, ice, having a house without gutters, dogs and how stupid the Academy Awards continues to be. But alas, it wasn't all it could be. Waiting in the shadows of the gym...wait for it, wait for it...was one of my grade school teachers. A woman who remembers me as a child...Who didn't recognize me until after class, and then, because I am cursed, came to talk to me. She was wearing that face, you know the one-it starts with "Oh My God..." and ends with "...there is something SOOOO wrong with you, do you need the number of my therapist". Okay, it wasn't that bad. But I did have to tell her that I am allergic to every vitamin and mineral in existence and can only eat White Castle. Her look of horror was indescribable...
Workout: BodyPump 60 mins, Walking the dogs 45 mins
Food:
High fiber cereal, banana and skim milk
Stir fry with ww noodles and veggies, orange and water
Apple and almonds, DC
High fiber cereal, banana and skim milk
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