Dear New-Years-Resolutionists-at-the-YMCA:
You don't know me, but I need to lay down the law for you:
1. When you come to a class for the first and second time do not expect anyone to talk to you. In fact, if we had our choice we would knock you down, kick you and probably spit on you. If you come back the third time (after cold shoulders, smoldering sneers and cackles at your technique) you will be welcomed. Pack mentality. We cannot allow any weakness through. Many of you will not make it past this first stage. And don't think that because you are skinny that you will be able to beat the fat girl at squats- you won't.
2. Do not, I repeat, do not take a regular's spot on the classroom floor. They will circle you, lower their head, and start to grunt. This is the first warning of an impending attack. If you are met with this behaviour, pick up your mat/weights/bike/kettle ball/whatever and back slowly away without making eye contact. Do not EVER talk to this person until they approach you, if they ever do. Taking a regular's spot is not easily forgiven.
3. You are not entitled to the private shower stalls. These stalls are earned and reserved for women who have met and been in every instructor's class, know the schedule by heart and are part of the pack. You need to move your behind to the group shower room by the pool. Yes, it's open. Yes, it's drafty. Yes, old men with grey body body hair will be able to see you as the old ladies go back-and-forth from the pool to the potty and back-again. Tough. There are three shower stalls- and none of them are yours.
4.Do not, under any circumstances, talk about the following: your children, your vacation to Cabo, how much fudge you ate over Christmas, the new Louis Vitton that you got from your husband (it-only-cost-$1200.00-on-sale-what-a-steal), the fact that you never sweat, your BM's, toenail fungus, or your dreams the night before. Approved topics of discussion for you: silence.
5. And last but not least, do not stalk anyone that you admire at the gym. It's sick.
I hope that this clears everything up for you and we can all enjoy our mornings at the gym.
XOXO, Barracuda.
PS- The far right shower stall is mine. MINE.
Workout: BodyPump 60mins and Running 30mins
Food: The usual
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